i try hard to think: have i lied, have i been willfully deceitful. have i deceived. no. no, unless i count myself. and yes, i have hurt others. i have been neglectful. selfish. lazy. rude. curt. but i have not lied. no lies. no neglecting to tell the truth. no convenient omissions. because i think doing so would never save them from anything, would never be better. because we are all smart, right? we all know what's going on, we all can figure it out... there is an inkling always, right?
so it can buy you time, but don't think it spares the other's feelings. the only thing it spares you is possibly having to deal with them. it is your getaway.
ride the bus to the university. talk with the rich white kids about indymedia, tell them all about the ftaa. shake my head repeatedly, say you should know this, this is a major economic policy. buck up and cuss a little and amanda talks about emergence theory and slash dot com. it is awesome / she is great. we are smart and things go just right and we ride the bus home with glyn and when we are talking about how people can follow and lead and end up all doing the same thing and he says oh it is just like ouji boards we look at him very seriously and say no -- no, the spirit world is what makes ouji boards move. the ghosts do that.
sleep that night becoming self-conscious about the next day. fall asleep listening to a mixtape on my walkmen. walkmen play tapes.
rode my bike to josiah's house where we are supposed to talk about imaginary things every tuesday but instead we talked about jonathan rice's poor car and he fed me a list of delicious things: a cup of fresh ground coffee, a piece of fresh baked bread, a perfect fuji apple, hot bean dip and a cold john courage. his wife sharon came home and we talked about transportation i mean teleportation. they offered me a ride to the fashion show / rock show and i said no. no, if i can't take tonight then it's going to be a long winter.
rode me bike to the fashion show / rock show. reported to amanda as ordered and practiced taking off my clothes. found joey lively and drank his paul jones with surprising ease. bought a three dollar beer and watched japanther play an excellent set. stood in the middle of the crowd with the group of us all gathered around the suitcase. waited for japanther to end, vcr to begin and when the first chords struck i jumped the gun and i took off my top. we all undressed down to our undergarments -- lots of slips for the girls -- and put on amanda's great clothes then moshed around until the plug was pulled.
got kicked out of nanci raygun for drinking beer in the boys bathroom. left just as the ultradolphins, my personal favs, were about to begin. found the party in oregon hill. jason laferrera found a girl who was willing to brand him and consequently got branded on the bmx track built in the backyard. i tried my best to argue: perhaps now is not the time for propane torches. pointed to perfect strangers and said: you, you could have stopped this. accompanied stewart home on his bicycle and congratulated him for working a complex machine so well.
slept in the black dress slip, the light pink bra, the lime green cotton panties. dreamt of hands. made chocolate chili the next and drew pictures, exquistive corpses, with my dear friends. made them listen to the final solution by pere ubu with me several times very loudly. talked to boys on the telephone.
amanda lewis got herself into an accident. jason laferrera bought us all breakfast with his credit card. i bought us all clothes with my credit card. we listened to gold bars practice until we watched the daft punk dvd instead. they fell asleep in my bed while i took a hot shower singing. we went for coffee, jason got sick, amanda started to sew, and kyong found me there. we ran winced through the rain, we picked up yvonne at her house, we went back to mine to watch my neighbor tuturo. we delayed and drank mexican hot chocolate, talked about sex and love and science and gypsies or rather romani, all the while carefully sewing a white skull onto the back of my red knit hat. with x's for eyes.
have the most fun sleeping. jump up and turn the heater on and jump back into bed until the house decides to be warm. dream of noses. talk to walker allen on the telephone while washing the dishes, leaning my head. eat macaroni and cheese and listen to the favorite songs very loudly: all night party by a certain ratio, track 12 on the el-p album, the entire uss horsewhip album. enjoy my new rooms. lift my new weights. everything very loudly or very quietly or very carefully all the time.
